Stock Portfolio Derails First Date

Seattle, Washington

While a diversified high yield portfolio may help dispel risk in the stock market it certainly can cause problems on the dating market, as area man Carl Bonnell discovered last week. While on a first date with a woman from the popular dating oriented mobile phone application Hinge.com, Bonnell found that regaling his date with tales of his savvy investment strategy was less than appealing.

“At first I didn’t think anything was wrong, I mean who doesn’t love index funds? Then she started spending even more time on her phone than she did during the first course. Even though she rushed out I’m not even sure that the call from her friend in the emergency room was for anything that serious.” said the would be paramour.

Bonnell’s tale is all too common for this nation’s stock traders. Experts suggest that mentioning your portfolio, investment strategy, or quarterly earnings has a 35% correlation in the failure of any of the first 5 and a half dates. In fact, the propensity of any brokerage related subject matter leading to rejection in heterosexual dating is so high most research on the subject recommends feigning financial incompetence until at least 3 years into marriage.

“We see this sort of thing all the time. Many claim to want financial stability from a partner, but the instant they’re confronted with a sound investment strategy they run and hide. More research needs to be done on why there seems to be such dissonance on this issue.” said noted economist and lifelong virgin Charles Atkins.