Scientists Announce If You Die In Baseball You Die For Real

Tampa Bay, Florida

It was discovered this week that all baseball deaths are in fact real deaths. While attending a Tampa Bay Rays homestand, scientists from the University of South Florida realized that the happenings on the field were corporeal and subject to the same laws as the rest of humanity.

“To say we were shocked is an understatement. I knew that baseball was eerily lifelike when I got to the park but we were mortified to find out that they’re all real people down there. The so-called players are born, live, and die just as we do, and if they die on the field of play there’s no way to bring them back.” said Ken Darby, professor of sports science at the university.

It is unclear how this revelation will affect the ongoing MLB season. When reached for comment, the office of the commissioner Rob Manfred released this statement:

“This situation is clearly still unfolding. These dramatic allegations should be investigated to the fullest extent necessary, and the commissioner’s office will make all attempts to assist in that line of inquiry. Until such a time when conclusive evidence can be produced one way or another the commissioner declines to comment further on the veracity of these claims.”