Report: Trump Births American Neo-Protestantism
Miami, Florida
Speaking from Florida, the spiritual home of his movement, US President Donald Trump has announced his intention to formally break with the Catholic Church. Trump announced on his platform, Truth Social, that his America has outgrown the need for a pope and he will be supplanting Leo as head of the church for the USA’s nearly 50 million Catholics.
Donald the Pious, first of his name, will shepherd an American Catholic movement whose theology in recent years has been consistently more in line with MAGA teachings than those of the Catholic Church or indeed Jesus himself. His Holiness the 45/47th President promises to provide moral leadership directed by his own actions and experiences with faith, temptation, and burying his dead ex-wife on one of his golf courses for tax benefits.
Pope Leo XIV, head of the non-American Catholic Church, has made waves with what many consider woke, liberal statements on current events. He was selected as pope recently, when his predecessor passed away following a meeting with US Vice President JD Vance where nothing untoward happened. Leo is the first American pope, having grown up in Chicago.
“The American people want a STRONG leader to keep them SAFE from crime, Iran, and the great adversary. Their election of me, IN A LANDSLIDE, shows that they don’t want a woke pope, they want a GREAT LEADER and GREAT MAN. I will bring America into a new age of FAITH and PIETY. The woke mob in Rome will no longer prevent us from solving our own problems, through FORCE OF ARMS or SUPER DIVORCE.” so sayeth Donald the Pious, as posted on his platform Truth Social.
Ecclesiastical experts working with reporting staff from The Daily Dose have yet to determine the exact meaning of “super divorce”. His Holiness Trump 45/47 remains married to Melania, the mother of his most recent child, but appears open to grabbing other opportunities. We will update readers as this story progresses.