Pentagon Unveils Gulf War Memorial Burn Pit

Alexandria, VA

Earlier this week the Pentagon unveiled their monument to lives lost in the 1991 Gulf War. This eight foot by eight foot pit in the Eastern portion of the Pentagon’s courtyard is filled with a red flame and pillowing column of black smoke.

Construction of the monument was remarkably short, taking several West Virginia National Guard soldiers just 2 days and costing merely $35 million. A plaque next to the pit explains the significance of the fire, and features a QR code linking to a shirtless picture of Norman Schwarzkopf.

“We felt the most fitting way to honor the valor and sacrifice of Americans in the First Gulf War was with a large, carcinogenic fire.” explained Sean Parnell, Chief Spokesperson for the Pentagon. “This inviolable conflagration will burn continuously, filling the hearts, minds, and lungs of all nearby with an appreciation for the efforts of American servicemen in propping up the oil industry. Not that we could stop it even if we wanted to.”

War Department staffers, interns, and languishing OAN correspondents could be seen dumping used batteries, pizza boxes, and styrofoam into the pit, and passersby could be seen coughing and gagging from the belches of smoke it emitted.