When reached for comment, the detective in charge of the investigation had this to say.

“It shows incredible discernment on behalf of these thieves to go after Jones’ work. His association with more distasteful right wing ideas, particularly about women, perturbs many. The burglars’ ability to understand the meaning of the sculptures beyond their station in the political zeitgeist is frankly commendable.”

As of yet no witnesses have come forward who saw anything beyond a small truck speeding away from the house in the early hours of the morning, but multiple sources report hearing Kanye West’s Through the Wire during the getaway.

The value of the art on the black market is as yet unknown, though highly dependent on the clientele being sold to. Police, working in conjunction with sources in the art world, have set up a sting in the form of an auction and showing of the Woody Allen film Annie Hall in 35 millimeter.

“The government is lying to you about 9/11. Do you really think they could get 2 planes coordinated to crash into buildings on the same day? They can barely pave the roads. And who knows how hot the mind control drugs in the chemtrails burn?” Jenkins yelled from atop a park bench, as pedestrians largely refused to make eye contact.

Despite the lack of engagement from the crowd, Jenkins theories seem to be making an impact where it really counts. When youths at the local park were surveyed, they showed propensity to engage with the ideas, subject matter, and thought patterns that he displays.

“You know, 6 million really does sound like a lot.” said one of the youngsters in question, just as likely to be quoting Jenkins as several similar TikToks.

“Slop has gotten a bad rap in the last few years. People now use slop as a synonym for AI garbage, failing to acknowledge the benefits slop has brought to society and culture. We hope this brand refresh brings the public back in touch with slop in a real and positive way.” said Jas Ramshaw, Chief Creative Officer for slop.

Brand refresh efforts like this often have mixed results. Jaguar attempted a brand relaunch in 2025 but felt immense pushback from consumers over a brand image that failed to resonate. Slop feels they can avoid this fate by connecting consumers directly to the benefits their product already has, cutting out the nastiness of AI in the process.

“I’d never thought about slop in this way before. I usually only bring it up talking about how awful AI is, but I didn’t realize how much they did to feed the noble hog. I had no idea they weren’t even part of the horrors AI is bringing to the world.” said a consumer who asked to remain anonymous.

This statement comes on the heels of questions as to why the department which in previous administrations has had a focus on curbing smoking, particularly among young people, has seemed to shy away from this issue. Under RFK Jr. HHS has taken a new interest in food additives and vaccinations, scaling back the requirements for children to be immunized to disease to some controversy and several thousand cases of measles.

“Each of us wants the best for our nation’s children. This is why it is vitally important that each American keep a few smokes handy, just in case the kiddos need a quick nicotine break.” stated the HHS Secretary during a recent press conference. While speaking RFK Jr. made what was described as a distressing amount of unblinking eye contact with a Daily Dose correspondent.

Experts have yet to determine what effect the announcement will have on policy. While this would not be the first inflammatory statement to come out of Kennedy’s department that led to little change, there certainly is precedent for him moving forward with more radical proposals. Youth smoking has been on a steady decline with e-cigarettes and vape devices being the most popular nicotine source for youngsters. The statement emphatically supported cigarette use only, with no mention of vapes or other nicotine sources.

“We were amazed, we didn’t think he’d still be on the board when we had the chance to pick. With an opportunity for a transformational athlete like Mendoza you really don’t have time to think, you just make the call and figure it out from there.” said Fire general manager Vanja Černivec.

While Mendoza has played in college for 4 years since he graduated high school, meeting league age eligibility requirements, there are some significant logistical issues to his joining the Fire’s roster. As the Daily Dose has reported previously, Fernando Mendoza is a cis male. This may make him ineligible for regular season play in the WNBA. League sources have yet to confirm this. Further, there are concerns that his experience exclusively playing football and not basketball may make him a poor fit for a basketball team, though his 6’5” frame and impressive arm strength makes a strong case otherwise.

“I just want to give all the glory to God. This was never supposed to happen, I have an amazing opportunity with the NFL draft next week and this just fell into my lap. I want to wish all the fans in Portland and the great organization they’re building out there the best. I’m going to need to talk to my family and make my decision in my own time.” stated Mendoza, his voice cracking while attempting to say “NFL”.

Donald the Pious, first of his name, will shepherd an American Catholic movement whose theology in recent years has been consistently more in line with MAGA teachings than those of the Catholic Church or indeed Jesus himself. His Holiness the 45/47th President promises to provide moral leadership directed by his own actions and experiences with faith, temptation, and burying his dead ex-wife on one of his golf courses for tax benefits.

Pope Leo XIV, head of the non-American Catholic Church, has made waves with what many consider woke, liberal statements on current events. He was selected as pope recently, when his predecessor passed away following a meeting with US Vice President JD Vance where nothing untoward happened. Leo is the first American pope, having grown up in Chicago.

“The American people want a STRONG leader to keep them SAFE from crime, Iran, and the great adversary. Their election of me, IN A LANDSLIDE, shows that they don’t want a woke pope, they want a GREAT LEADER and GREAT MAN. I will bring America into a new age of FAITH and PIETY. The woke mob in Rome will no longer prevent us from solving our own problems, through FORCE OF ARMS or SUPER DIVORCE.” so sayeth Donald the Pious, as posted on his platform Truth Social.

Ecclesiastical experts working with reporting staff from The Daily Dose have yet to determine the exact meaning of “super divorce”. His Holiness Trump 45/47 remains married to Melania, the mother of his most recent child, but appears open to grabbing other opportunities. We will update readers as this story progresses.

“We know things have gotten pretty crazy lately, and that we can’t really do shit about that. But if people still want to talk to dogs, that’s definitely still on the table.” said Dr. Tanner Philbern, adjunct faculty at the university.

Prototypes of devices to assist in dog speech are already underway, but the scientists stressed that they weren’t at a point of no return or anything and could easily refocus on other projects if the general public weren’t interested. However, the researchers were quick to shoot down the possibility of talking cats citing their desire to keep that shit unsaid.

If people feel strongly about the possibility of talking dogs, the lab has asked for feedback in the form of Instagram DM’s, promising swift responses from the graduate students staffing the account. Researchers emphasized that all responses, positive or negative, are important to the progress of their work and not to hold back any sentiment.

Timeline for the completion of a talking dog, or even for progress on creating one remains unclear, but the atmosphere around the lab seems pretty stoked for pets of the future.

“Holy shit, it’s so fucking cold up there.” remarked Commander Reid Weisman. “You don’t think about it until you get out there, but goddamn space is chilly. At least I didn’t get freaked out by how dark it was like (Mission Specialist) Jeremy (Hansen).”

Additional questions for the 4 returning astronauts confirmed that it was indeed cold as shit up in space. Further, multiple of the returning crew expressed concerns about how difficult it was to find a decent meal on the far side of the moon.

“Not even a Buckees out there. If you don’t pack snacks for the whole trip ahead of time you’re pretty fucked.” said Victor Glover, the mission’s pilot.

NASA has yet to comment on plans to address the concerns about the cold on future manned moon missions.

Neither Torre nor his representatives could be reached for comment. Wild speculation on the part of Daily Dose reporters may associate personal consequences for any one of his recent episodes reporting on controversial issues, which have resulted in an investigation into the ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers and threats of a lawsuit from the concerningly young girlfriend of UNC football coach Bill Belichick.

Sports media colleague and rival podcaster Nick Wright found it appropriate to reach out with a largely unrelated statement.

“As this event enters the news cycle, I think it’s important to remember what matters. The Chiefs absolutely should be better than +1600 to win the Superbowl next season, with Patrick healthy we will absolutely be back in real contention. I hope whatever is going on with Pablo isn’t too bad, and he unbans me from his show.”

At press time news sources outside of Daily Dose staff seemed disinterested in the goings on at PTFO. When reached for comment, writers from Awful Announcing had this to say on the matter.

“Of course he’s distraught, he’s spent the last 40 years as a Knicks fan, that does shit to you.”

If shame is a market inefficiency and decency negotiable, why behave otherwise? At any turning point, pure gluttonous desire is the most direct path to positive outcomes for the only person who can’t turn against you. Why are you still acting like this?

Certainly, some conclaves of individuals blind to the reality they’ve been inhabiting for more than a decade, may attempt to dissuade or even stop you from ultimate self enrichment but these are temporary barriers. All you need to do is champion your self interest hard enough, through persuasion, bribery, or coercion, and eventually they will fall in line. Why then are you still acting like this?

Even the most profound of personal consequences are fungible. With enough resources, health is a purchasable asset, organs are replaceable. You know a pack of Marlboro Reds or a box press Oliva would be a welcome comfort against the chill of an early April evening. So again, why are you acting like this?

If it’s not nailed down, if no one can resist your entreats, if you want it badly enough, everything can be taken. No one of consequence has suffered a consequence of consequence in genuinely decades. At this point you are the one being left behind. Why are you acting like this?

The program works simply, area cyclists leave their bicycles outside of their homes, offices, or other destinations and program officers distribute them to community members in need. Participation costs as little as a hack saw and requires no registration.

“This is a great way to get more vulnerable members of the community moving. Apportioning bikes from the more fortunate among us to folks in need is a great way to encourage equity and make space for the marginalized.” said area resident Del Adkins as they hurriedly sawed through the cable lock of a bright green Schwinn near Fritz Hedges Waterway Park.

However, not all Seattlites are quite so enthused about the new program. One resident who refused to be named due to alleged concerns about social repercussions cited the cost of their bike as a reason they should be exempted from the community effort. Leaders of the initiative have been forced to invest in more robust bolt cutters or even reciprocating saws to combat their attempts to opt out.

The anime series covers the adventures of a young chef as he strives to become the greatest product of his intense fine dining school. As part of his learning to be a top tier chef, the protagonist creates food that orgasmically stimulates both his peers and adults around him. Bourdain, who passed away in 2018, likely had yet to fully comprehend the joys of hand drawn animated pornography. Food Wars aired its first season several years prior to his demise, but due to his glaring oversight in this regard had yet to gain his attention.

“Tony was a pervert. The millions of his fans and acolytes asking understood that well. He absolutely would’ve gone apeshit for some big titty cartoon babes manning the grill at an izakaya. Too soon have we been robbed of Tony’s contribution to the world of food related hentai and sexualized anime high schoolers.”

“When I saw them put the pot of water on the stove, I just wasn’t prepared for everything that came with it. The shriek, the steam, the cloying scent in the air, it’s all so much. Too much even.”

While it is as yet unknown what the teapot may bring to the region, it’s certain that the evening will not be the same.

“This was a difficult decision, but my family and I have given this a lot of consideration and feel this is the best choice for myself and my future in football.” was the official statement from Mendoza, reporters cut him off as he attempted to praise God in the press conference.

Mendoza is on track to have an even more award winning 2026. As the projected first overall pick in the NFL draft and early favorite for White Boy of the Year, he is expected to only gain momentum as he moves into the second quarter. Sources close to the quarterback report that he is even considering learning how to talk to women.

This will really shake up the situation for the NFL draft. While currently expected to be the first overall pick to the Las Vegas Raiders, recent scrutiny for analysts has suggested that other quarterback prospects, notably Alabama’s Ty Simpson, could be better pro-ready options. However, Mendoza entering puberty could quell concerns not dispelled by rewatching the Rose Bowl.

“These results surprised us too. We were expecting baseball to still have enough cultural cache to remain relevant, but it turns out people just want to hate. I can’t say I blame them.” said Dr. Phillip Chen, associate professor of computational social studies and euthenics and lead investigator on the study.

The implications of the study aren’t insignificant. Since the death of network television Americans have lacked a true monoculture, and this research may indicate that this has degraded the number of shared interests the public has until only racism remains. The impact of these findings has already been seen in the pro-racism policies at businesses like X and Purina Mills.

“We found that whether it’s a Klan rally or a meeting of the Nation of Islam, gathering to hate those who are ethnically distinct from their preferred group is the only collective activity our nation participates in.” said a graduate student whose doctoral advisor asked they be given only partial credit for the quote.

Several residents, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation on Facebook, expressed their admiration for Gilmore for speaking his mind. Others who disagreed had a less positive impression. This tense disagreement nearly bubbled over in the comments of a Facebook marketplace listing for a disused shrimp net, posted a mere 16.7 miles from the nearest person of Middle Eastern descent.

“With everything that’s going on, I felt it was important that I took a stand and said what’s right” said Gilmore. When asked for comment on how he’s seen a conflict that has caused the deaths of tens of thousands of people, and seen many more victims of displacement, food insecurity, and sexual violence, impact his daily life, Gilmore added:

“My cousin’s fiance’s roommate had some real great things to say about that hummus stuff.” At press time Gilmore was as yet unable to remember the name of South Dakota’s congressman.

The scenes playing out in this South Dakota suburb are all too real for millions of Americans, who’ve seen this latest round of violence touch not only their newspapers but also their TikTok for you pages and even Instagram feeds. After enduring such a traumatic experience, many feel the need to express opinions of their own.

Elected officials, responding to their constituents’ opinions, have responded by passing their own resolutions on the war in municipalities around the United States, the vast impact of which has yet to be seen.

Construction of the monument was remarkably short, taking several West Virginia National Guard soldiers just 2 days and costing merely $35 million. A plaque next to the pit explains the significance of the fire, and features a QR code linking to a shirtless picture of Norman Schwarzkopf.

“We felt the most fitting way to honor the valor and sacrifice of Americans in the First Gulf War was with a large, carcinogenic fire.” explained Sean Parnell, Chief Spokesperson for the Pentagon. “This inviolable conflagration will burn continuously, filling the hearts, minds, and lungs of all nearby with an appreciation for the efforts of American servicemen in propping up the oil industry. Not that we could stop it even if we wanted to.”

War Department staffers, interns, and languishing OAN correspondents could be seen dumping used batteries, pizza boxes, and styrofoam into the pit, and passersby could be seen coughing and gagging from the belches of smoke it emitted.